There’s the salt-and-pepper one sitting on the face of the nervous looking University professor or there’s the grey bush that inhabits the face of the stressed out little granddad.
This is the choice that Spaniards have this coming Sunday when they go to the polls to decide who will take over wrecking the country for the next four years.
November 20 is the Spanish general election and it’s a two-horse race between the incumbent Socialist PSOE, who’ve been in power since 2004, and the Conservative Popular Party (better known as the PP) who are saying the PSOE are rubbish and isn’t it about time they had a go instead.
In the red corner is the little granddad Alfredo Perez Rubalcaba, a man who is deputy Prime Minister of Spain. He concedes that he doesn’t sleep well and gets stressed out. He’s likes collecting old teapots and has a fondness for Smurfs.
In the blue corner is Mariano Rajoy, who was deputy Prime Minister of Spain for a time under the previous PP administration between 1996 and 2004. He’s a Pisces and wears jackets that make him look like a University professor. His favourite TV programme is Knight Rider and he always wears purple socks.
Ok, I’ve no idea if either of them like what I said they do. But I’m just trying to make them a bit more interesting, that’s all. Because in reality they’re not. Interesting. At. All.
Yes, there are numerous other parties all vying for power in the general election, but they’re all like UKIP in that they haven’t got a chance. And I’m not here to do an in-depth analysis of the political make-up of Spain anyway, so bollocks to them.
The Spanish aren’t great for making their minds up when it comes to elections. Since 1993, there have been hung parliaments for all but four years. But they have a rough idea of what they want.
For the past seven years, Mr Bean has been running the country. Well, at least a man who bears a striking resemblance to the character created by Rowan Atkinson, not just physically, but many would believe in his mannerisms and competence as well.
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero – to give him his full, unfettered, unabridged name (all Spanish people have two surnames, but he’s got a middle name too, which makes it even longer) - has been Prime Minister of Spain since 2004. In fact, his Socialist party has been in power in Spain for 24 of the last 34 years.
Is it surprising when you consider Spain’s recent history? Not really. When you bear in mind that General Franco – a deeply conservative Catholic – was in power for 36 years, it’s a sort of two-fingered salute from the Spanish people to his legacy. It might also have had to do with the fact that Franco was a Fascist dictator who crushed all dissent to his authority with murder, imprisonment and torture during his “reign”. Four decades of suppressing the natural Spanish trait for defying authority has left a deep-seated need to redress the balance.
Two years after his death in 1975 – coincidentally also on November 20 - Spain had its first democratically elected government in more than 40 years, a Unity government headed by Adolfo Suarez. But he himself called it a day in 1979 and then in 1982 Spain settled into 14 unbroken years of Socialist government under Felipe Gonzalez, a politician who today still garners grudging respect across the political spectrum – a sort of Spanish Tony Benn. Franco would have been turning in his grave, no doubt. So lucky for Spain that they buried him under several feet of concrete at the Valle de los Caidos, north of Madrid. Good riddance, I say.
The big question now is who will be Prime Minister come Monday morning, November 21. The smart money is on Rajoy. Spain is in a bad way and people are not happy. Jobless figures are sky-high and economic growth is at zero.
But I’m not so sure either Rajoy or Rubalcaba are the right men for the job. Neither of them have huge presence or charisma and their parties aren’t that different really. Even their campaign slogans, hoisted up on banners and posters down every main street and in every metro station, don’t encourage confidence. They’re both a bit half-hearted in my opinion.
The PP’s slogan is “Sumate al cambio” (Join in the change), while the PSOE’s is “Pelea por lo que quieres” (Fight for what you what).
When the choice is a spam sandwich or a meat paste sandwich, you don’t really want either.
If you were to put a gun to my head (and if you were Franco, that’s what you’d be doing now) I suppose ultimately the best choice would probably be a PP victory. Change is needed, a fresh pair of slippers as it were, even if the new ones are a little boring, a bit worn out and with that sort of 1970s retro pattern-look which makes them look like the cat’s thrown up on them.
People who know me might be surprised to see me write this as my personal politics swing fairly strongly to the left. In fact, if anything, I’ve noticed that the older I get, the more left-wing I get.
But sometimes there’s nothing like a change of jockey to give an old nag a much-needed kick up the arse.
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