Save Me…… from pointless rivalries that test the boundaries of common sense

The dictionary definition of the word rivalry is “the state or condition of competition or antagonism. An angry or violent struggle, conflict or contention, especially of a bitter kind.”

Hmmm. Bitter, angry, violent, antagonistic. Yeah, that about sums up what I want to talk about this week.

Now, rivalry is a good thing in many cases. It fosters competition, improvement, drive, motivation and the desire for perfection in many things. Take sport for example. Barcelona and Real Madrid, Manchester United and Arsenal. What’s their rivalry based on? The fact that they are all at the top of their games and want to be the best.

But then there are the sporting rivalries based not on the drive for perfection, the desire to be better or the motivation to improve, but on the simple fact that the competition happens to live just down the road.

The simple fact – be it pointless, illogical, irrational, emotionally-twisted and moronic – but which drives the desire to see the other team get totally and utterly stuffed as much as possible, even if you’re not in the same league as them and the outcome doesn’t affect you in the slightest.

This is something that ‘s puzzled me for years, mostly because I have personal experience of it. But it’s come to a head quite neatly this last week because the teams I’m talking about have all faced off against each other in the last few days.

And the rivalries these particular teams foster – here in my current home in Seville and back in my old home of Croydon - encapsulate every bit of the twisted negativity that the dictionary offers up as definition.

In the case of Seville it’s the rivalry between Sevilla FC and Real Betis who both play in Spain’s premier division La Liga. In Croydon it’s the rivalry between Crystal Palace and Brighton, who both play in England’s second tier known as The Championship.

Like I said, my problem isn’t with rivalry per se, but with rivalry based purely on geography.

Ask any supporter of Sevilla FC (recently the more successful and generally more affluent team in the city) what they think of Real Betis (with a working class fan base and a poorer history, which has only recently seen an upturn with promotion back to the top division last season) and you will witness barely concealed rage and vitriol. It works the same way in the other direction too.

As for Crystal Palace and Brighton, well their rivalry is even more bonkers. They’re located a good 40 miles apart. But they still hate each others’ guts. Walk down the street in either town carrying the colours of the opposing team and you’re just asking to be punched in the gob.  

It’s not as if the teams have had much to be angry at each other for in recent times. Betis only got promoted back to the top division this season, so they haven’t even played Sevilla in three years.

The same is true of Crystal Palace and Brighton. Brighton got promoted to the same league as Palace this season, and before that the last time the two teams met was seven years ago!

I once asked a friend of mine, who was a Portsmouth FC fan, why he hated Southampton FC, 30 miles up the road, with the same vigour shared by Brighton, Palace, Betis and Sevilla. This was at a time when Southampton were two divisions below Portsmouth.

I was hoping he’d say something like: “Well, we are both on top of our games at the moment and we want to be the best, as it fosters a healthy drive towards perfection which is wonderful for the historic sport of football, my good man.” Or something like that.

He pondered for a moment, and then said “Well, it’s ‘cos they´re cunts aren´t they?”

Indeed. Now do you see my point?

I should add, at this juncture, for purposes of full disclosure, that I was born in Brighton, I grew up there and naturally enough I support the team. As far as Sevilla FC goes, I live about five minutes walk from their stadium and can hear the fans roar when a goal is scored on match nights, so naturally I keep an eye out for how they do as well.

Last week, when Sevilla played Betis at Betis’ stadium in the south of the city, the fun and games started in the morning even though the game didn’t kick off until the evening. As I walked past the stadium at about 10am, there were a couple of hundred fans chanting, singing and flag waving next to the – empty – team bus parked up outside. As I walked up the road, I saw another gang of supporters outside one of the big hotels doing the same thing. A few seconds later, the team bus drove past us and away up the road to turn around at the roundabout. The fans roared as it went past – still empty. Then they roared again, as it drove back and parked up to, I’m guessing, pick up the players holed up in the hotel.

It was still 10 hours before kick-off and the Betis stadium was about a 15 minute drive away. What were they going to do? Give the players a day-long tour of their own city on a bus?

Later in the afternoon, the fans were still outside the – wrong – stadium chanting, singing and flag waving. But by this time, their numbers had swelled. It’s never like this when they play other teams. Even Barcelona and Real Madrid.

Anyway, on Tuesday this week Brighton travelled to Palace for a night game and the usual crowd trouble flared up outside the stadium before and after the match.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that all this energy, anger, vitriol, venom and spite might produce some thrilling head-to-heads between these spitting, vicious rivals.

Well, the result of both games was a decidedly dull 1-1 draw. About as enthralling as a fart in a tornado.

So the conclusion that it’s all complete nonsense is surely obvious, is it not then?

Mind you, having said all that, I still think Crystal Palace are a bunch of wankers and I´m delighted when they lose, even when it has no connection to my team whatsoever. And no amount of logical argument, even by me to me, will ever convince me otherwise.